Enough
Shar Karsten
*This was written after her husband, Jerry, passed away from Covid19 last November.
As I look through pictures and videos in preparation for the celebration of my husband’s life, I find myself crying through my tears, “It wasn’t enough, God. I wanted, I needed, more time with him! Why didn’t you give me more time?”
And it was as if God said, “It was enough. If I had given you another hour, another day, even another decade, you still would have wanted more. Trust me and my timing. It was enough.”
Another time and day, I find myself clenching my fists and shouting at God again. “It’s enough, God!” I’ve seen and heard of so much suffering all around me, some caused by Covid, some not, and I cry out, “Come on, God, enough already! End this suffering. We’ve had enough. Can’t you see what’s happening in this world? Come and put an end to this suffering! Come and set the world alright.”
And once again, He says, “Trust my timing. There’s more to be done, more souls to be won. I haven’t given this enough time, yet.”
This day, having come face to face with my impatience, my need to control the world around me, to make it what I want it to be, this day when God shows me the dark places of my heart where disobedience, hatred, envy, self-righteousness, and arrogance reign, I find myself barely able to whisper in fear and trembling, “Oh God, have you had enough of me yet? Have you run out of patience, frustrated at my constant failure to leave up to your standards? Have you abandoned me to my well deserved fate?”
And once again, He places His hand under my chin, and lifts my eyes to His. “Trust me when I say this. I have enough grace and mercy to outlast all your most egregious sins. I have enough love for you to always cover you with grace and mercy. My son’s sacrifice was enough to atone for all the sin and evil in this world.”
And once again, I am stunned. How can I ever thank Him enough for this most generous gift of love? To quote a verse from the hymn, The Love of God:
O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall reign forevermore endure
The saints’ and angel’s song
So, there’s still much I don’t understand? Why Jer? Why now? He was healthy and full of life. There were still things we wanted to do together. And why do so many others linger in such suffering with no relief? The even bigger question still remains unanswered in my mind. Why does God love me so completely when I am so unworthy?
I found a decorate sign years ago that still sits prominently on my shelf:
Whenever I don’t understand something, I reach out to take God’s hand and we walk together silently."
This describes where I am right now. Thank you for your many prayers and encouraging words. They have been more than enough.