Pursued By A Gentle Father
Jim Jadrich
One of the earliest and surest lessons I learned when I was young was that the only person you can depend on is yourself. Other people will only disappoint or fail you.
I grew up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional home, where my expected caregivers could not be relied upon for safety or sanity. Outside the home, my neighborhood was full of people keen to take advantage of anyone exhibiting any sign of weakness. In my efforts to protect my emotional and physical well being, I learned how not to show or experience my own feelings, and I developed a rather menacing outward persona that signaled to people to stay away or else; which was ironic, because on the inside I was a frightened and timid soul, virtually unable to speak in front of strangers.
As a teenager I often wondered if there was a God, but I seriously doubted it. It seemed as though a god would be needed to create the universe, but beyond that, I saw absolutely no evidence that there was a personal god active in my life or in anybody else’s.
At the age of 20, I got a part-time job in a movie theatre. The manager of the theatre would generally hire Christians, although he himself was not one. He felt that Christians would work hard and not steal from him. He hired me because I could program computers. I was tasked with computerizing the ticket sales and inventory - in between selling popcorn and picking up garbage.
That theatre was my first experience with Christians and they baffled me. They were good-natured, fun to be around, and kind to me. What was up with that? I assumed they had an ulterior motive, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Most of the employees met regularly for Bible study, and it was their practice to invite the new employees to join them. Everyone that is, except me. I was quite content with that at first, but eventually I grew agitated. I wanted some of whatever it was that they had. Why wouldn’t they invite me to attend? What was wrong with me? They explained to me later it was because I frightened them.
It was then that a miracle took place. Feeling compelled by an outside force, I summoned a measure of courage beyond what I thought possible for myself, and I asked them if I could attend their study. They said yes. When I first started attending the Bible study, I took it upon myself to point out their many naive scriptural misinterpretations. Nevertheless, they continued to allow me to return, and in time my pugnaciousness was pushed aside by panic. The more I read the Bible, the more certain I became that its message was true. Worse yet, the gentle weight of God was also pressing on me asking me what I was going to do about it.
If you have ever faced certain death, then you can understand the fear that gripped me. Although I still understood almost nothing about sin and redemption (surely I had no need for forgiveness!) I did comprehend quite well the part about Jesus being Lord of your life and it terrified me. My entire existence was predicated on the belief that I alone would take responsibility for my survival. Nobody else would do it for me. But now, God was asking me to let Him be in charge of my life, which I understood to include giving all my money and possessions to the poor and never fighting back against aggressors. Surely anyone who tried to live like that would be dead in a matter of weeks!
Despite my growing certainty that Jesus was real and was calling me, it took another six months before I would take that final step. I did not want to die. Eventually, however, my rational side won out and I realized it didn’t matter if I died. Sure, it would be painful, but it was irrational not to follow God, what with Him being so much smarter and powerful than I was. And so did I.
I have matured and I have learned an awful lot since those early days but there are two truths from that time that I still carry with me and will never forget. The first is that I never would have come to Christ as the result of a persuasive argument or because someone condescended enough to point out the sin in my life. Rather, it was the undeniable witness of Christians living life full of love and grace that opened my eyes to the reality of Jesus. Second, sometimes the people who seem the furthest from Christ - and some of them are quite scary on the outside - may in fact be longing for someone to take notice of them and to share with them the love of Christ. I am living proof of that.
No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him.
- John 6:44