Finding Home
Steve Beukema
Five years ago, my beloved mother’s behavior began to change. While I didn’t know it at the time, she was exhibiting the early signs and behaviors of dementia. For my job at World Renew, I attended a seminar hosted by the Barnabas Foundation, where attendees were schooled in the nuances of memory care awareness and prudent responses. So now I considered the reality of dementia in my mother. But even then, I wasn’t able to immediately assign my mother’s behavior to this dreadful disease.
After some deep soul-searching, I did make the connections and accepted the fact that my precious mother had all the signs consistent with dementia, which included elevated paranoia. Neither my three siblings nor my father could accept the label I suggested, so very early in this journey, I found myself an unwelcome son and brother.
During this difficult walk, my wife, Heidi, and I gave ourselves permission to seek another church family. Even though we had been serving in the same church for 25 years, we now needed more - more spiritual food, more comfort. We visited several churches both within and outside of the CRC denomination. One Sunday, while visiting Hillside, Pastor Ron taught us a story about Jesus being mocked and ridiculed by the Pharisees for hanging out with the wrong crowd. Somehow I felt a piece of Christ’s pain. That week I called Pastor Ron for an appointment and shared my story. That meeting was a divine blessing - full of wisdom and comfort. He accepted me where I was at, and he was like a comfort in the storm, a safe harbor.
We missed the second week in the sermon series but when we attended the third week, Ron taught us that no matter what we endure for the sake of the Lord we would be wise to leave His work to Him. I knew God was speaking to me. Following the service, I made my way to the platform to thank Ron for speaking those desperately needed words of truth. Before I could even speak, Ron told me he had prepared the sermon even before our meeting! I thought he had been speaking straight to me.
During this time, my father was found to be dying of esophageal cancer. Throughout his treatment, I remained an outcast in the family. At the same time, my mother, who was now in her fourth year of her dementia journey, was able to tell my father she was not happy with how he, my own father, was treating me. My mother was eventually placed in memory care at Samaritas. It was a great relief for me that finally after two years, her condition was acknowledged by everyone else, including my family and her care staff.
One week before my father’s homegoing, he and I received a totally unexpected gift: full reconciliation! That changed everything for him and me. While lying in his hospital bed, with his organs shutting down, he also commanded my siblings to take responsibility for the pain they caused me and my family.
At that time, I was totally at peace with the relational reality between me and my siblings. I decided I would follow the biblical truths of Dr. Henry Cloud when it comes to relationships. He reminds us believers that although we are called to both offer and experience full forgiveness, we are not required to continue to live in community with those who have hurt us and are still hurting us and will likely to continue to hurt us. This was freedom for me.
After my father’s death, I was privileged to write his obituary for which I received no pushback from my siblings. I was further privileged to offer a eulogy at the celebration of life service for my dad. During the visitation, I believe I created an atmosphere that honored my father and his skills, his gifts, and his passions in life. Jimmy Buffet played in the background while we welcomed our guests, which included brand new friends from Hillside whom we barely knew! What a comfort! How wonderful to be on the receiving end of such love during a time of loss.
Two days following my father’s funeral I received a phone call from my middle brother. It had been a year and a half since we’d spoken on the phone and I hesitated a moment before accepting his call. In total, the call lasted two hours. The first hour and a half was small talk, including family news and a story about his journey home to Canada just escaping a big storm. At the end of that time, I asked him what kind of relationship he wanted to have with me. He hesitated for a moment and mumbled some words about being birthed from the same womb and how we are brothers in Christ. Then he stated the following, “You know, Steve, Dad was not sincere when he reconciled with you.” I was flabbergasted and devasted; I knew at that very moment the truth of which C.S. Lewis reminded us: The devil is alive and well on planet Earth.
That evening, neither Heidi nor I could sleep well and we both got up early. I immediately wrote a letter to my other two siblings, with my middle brother on a copy. I described to them what I had experienced the evening before and what I was going to do about it. I would simply follow the advice of Dr. Cloud and not chase ghosts; this is, I wouldn’t continue to look for something that doesn’t exist, specifically a relationship with them.
It is now a year after the loss of my relationships with my father and siblings. My family and I have been through a lot, but I thank God for my living and wise wife of 40 years, Heidi. I am also thankful to Pastor Ron, the Hillside family, and to the Lord for all the love, support, and encouragement on this journey.
God brought us to Hillside for many reasons and many blessings, the ones we have already experienced and the ones in the future. We are part of a new family. May we go in peace and share the good news of Jesus with others on this journey as we together head home.
The Lord Almighty is with us, the God of Jacob is our fortress. - Psalm 46:12