My Story
Ken Visser
“Hi, my name is Ken and I am an alcoholic.”
I have said that hundreds, maybe thousands, of times since my car accident on June 6, 2000. Before the accident, I was a very sick man. The disease of alcoholism wanted only one thing - to totally control and destroy me. It had taken many years for me to admit that to myself, then to others, but now it was time. The surprising thing is, most of the people who knew me were not surprised at my declaration. In fact, everybody already knew but I thought I was fooling them. Well, I guess I really knew. I just did not want to admit it. Once I did, the relief I experienced was unspeakable.
The reason that my story is different from everybody else’s is because it is my story. You heave heard it all before from family and friends, the lies, the disappointments, and the “I am so sorry. This time it will never happen again.” Then it does happen over and over again.
Prior to that fateful day in 2000, I was unwilling to admit that I was an alcoholic. After all, I was a smart man. My prayers weren’t being answered because I can now see I was not being honest with my family, my fiends, work colleagues and myself. As miserable and full of self-pity as I was, I still didn’t realize how sick I really was. In the early years, my drinking was casual and with others. I did not, by most standards have a drinking problem until 1994-1995. Prior to that, I had the occasional binge on weekends, yet I felt that I had it under control. I began to drink, not to feel good, but not to feel at all. Through this entire ordeal, there were two constants: My God and my family.
Without either, my life would be very different today. As the drinking increased, the less engaged in life I became. There were so many times I swore I would never drink again. Then the next day came and again and again the bottle kept calling me. There were a few memorable times when I quit. Once I stopped drinking for six whole weeks! I thought I had it beat. I thought I could drink again, only this time a little bit and manage my drinking. But again my best friend, the bottle, beckoned me to continue. Again, I could not imagine my life without it. So much for control! I was a slave to alcohol and no human persuasion or love could change that. My idea of sobriety meant I could get up on Sunday morning and make it to church. I was truly ill.
The faith community came alongside my family and did the only thing they could do. They prayed. They prayed for me and for God’s protection. Terrie, Matt, Phil, Sarah, our parents, friends, and pastor friends stood together to pray. A coworker’s mom went everyday to light a candle at her church and brought me before the Father for five years.
During those years, alcohol tried to rob me of everything. I covered my days with lies, excuses, and more lies, trying to keep my secret was a job in itself. At this point I could not be truly honest with anyone, including my faith community. After all, I needed to protect my reputation. Looking good on the outside was more important to me than being genuine and real. While I was trying to keep my secrets to cover my guilt and shame, God still wanted me prepared for his party. The thief of alcohol wanted to rob me, but God had a plan. HE ALWAYS DOES. He chose to intervene and get my attention. Recognizing God’s grace would take a miracle - so He provided the car accident. No, I did not want to die!
God did act with a miracle and God’s grace brought me to a point of desperation where I was willing to do anything to stop this madness. Reason, Love, and Logic did nothing to convince me to change my behavior. Consequences ultimately worked for me. My drinking made life with me and for my family a life full of suffering and pain.
Of course the people closest to me had the toughest time and I gave them the greatest pain. My family, especially Terrie and Phil (our youngest son) paid the greatest price. To this day, my greatest regret is taking that time away from them. My high school son couldn’t even find a safe place at my house, so he went to his friends. What should have been the best time of his young life turned out to be a nightmare.
Looking back, I realize that Spring Break of 2000, my oldest son came home to visit with the express purpose of hoping that his presence and that of my family would limit my drinking. I tried, oh, I tried, but I could not. I had a drink and another and another and it ended up disappointing my family and friends one more time. I missed the real fun hat they had without me. And I blamed them for my problems. Only the grace of God and His Great Mercy enabled my family to love me through the disease of addition.
Finally, in June of 2000 a near fatal car crash took me by surprise. Imagine a beautiful red convertible going 100+ MPH and it flips five or six times with me in it. While I was lying upside down, with all the noise of sirens, glaring lights, and plenty of bystanders, a still small voice said, “DO NOT FEAR!” It was just like in many passages in the Bible.
God was there assuring me that all would be ultimately restored. I am truly blessed to be here, with all my body parts. There was nothing left of my wife’s car except the Chrysler Emblem. That was my epiphany. Finally, I was done. No more. I was beaten. I gave in, surrendered and accepted the gift of desperation. After my visit to the hospital to check me out and repair my broken hand, I went to a residential treatment program. Four months of daily therapy helped me to understand my disease. I lived in an apartment with other men who were also addicts. Once my therapy was complete, I began life all over again with hope. I graduated in October 2000 and have never been better. I am still sober and in active recovery ever since. As many in the program know and recognize, stopping my use is only the beginning. Making amends to those I have harmed, renewing my relationships, healing wounds, and making things right are all part of the process.
Every day I am in recovery. I am still and will always be an alcoholic. That never goes away. I simply choose not to drink. A dear friend told me there are basically three reasons people look to drugs, alcohol, and other addictions:
1) Unmet love
2) Unhealed pain
3) Unresolved life issues
I didn’t even know I suffered these things. Without the gift of desperation, God the Father would not have been allowed to reduce me from my own addictions. Today, I do not need alcohol to heal me or help define me.
I want to thank God and all who loved me enough to care. He sent extra angels to protect my life, that day, and every day since. It is my hope and prayer that my openness will lead others to be honest with themselves and others about their addictions and secrets. You may be surprised to know that THEY who love you already know! This horrible disease has surely impacted your family. To them and others I have harmed, I needed to make amends. It took years to earn their trust back. Her, Matt, Sarah, Phil, and Brooke all forgave me and allowed me back into their lives. They have often said that they grew from the experience, even though they would not wish it on anyone.
If you feel trapped like I was, there is no shame in being honest and admitting it to someone who is willing to listen. There are tens of thousands, dare I say millions, who are suffering and staying quiet about it. I found that it was the secrets that kept me sick, and once I was truly honest about my addiction, I was free to experience life without fear.
If you are ready to be open about your addiction, I am very willing to meet you to hear your story.
Please do not stop praying for those who need help. Addiction is not a lack of will power, it is a disease. For those who have anyone in their lives going through a similar situation, please pray for them to find the one thing which makes them find their bottom. I call it the gift of desperation. Being there for this time of lucidity will enable them to be restored to their families and friends and Fellowship again.
In Him,
Ken Visser
***This blog was originally written in October, 2016
For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling…
- Psalm 116:8